The Islanders appeared to learn a lot last night about the universe, owls, twerking and Mike….
Happy Friday, or as we now know it, the night before the night when Love Island IS NOT ON. Can we start a petition?
Last night we opened on a boring but slightly less fuming Johnny telling Chloe about his and Camilla’s chat. The two recently dumped Islanders decided they might “crack on” because Johnny said that Chloe had been a massive part of his Love Island journey…we must have missed the part where these two became BFF’s. When asked by Johnny ,Chloe also claimed to not have a “type” but in the same breath said her type was tall dark and handsome…convenient.
Johnny and Chloe weren’t the only ones making cracking on pacts. Over at the Love Island bar, Sam and Montana were also coming to the conclusion they didn’t absolutely disgust each other so they might try this cracking on lark as well. I suppose if you don’t try you don’t know, and there is also the problem that there isn’t that much to do on the island…and we mean that in every sense of the word.
After Montana decided that she could probably put it on Sam without being sick in her own mouth, she confessed that they may not be the ‘best’ cultural fit as he had been up North once and had vowed to herself never to go back as it was far too rowdy. After that remark hun, may we say on behalf on the whole of the North, you’re not welcome, and the North remembers.
Chris and Olivia decided to sleep under the stars and had some excellent chat about owls (yes you read that right) before Chris exclaimed to Olivia, “In the sky there is a moon”. If someone could just let NASA know about this breakthrough discovery please. However, sleeping al fresco didn’t last long as Olivia could hear a chicken, so had to retreat to the safety of the villa.
Inside the villa it would appear that Amber must have lost something under the covers as she disappeared under the covers. Whatever she found seemed to please Kem no end. When she eventually resurfaced Kem told her that she was the “girl of his dreams”, but when she asked him what her second name is he didn’t have a f*cking clue, that will be the last time she helps you find ANYTHING under the covers Kem lad.
As the Island awoke for another day of top bants, little Kem decided to slap a sleeping Chris with a handful of shaving cream, which nearly blinded him and Sam looked so pleased he nearly passed out. Montana declared over coffee that she was a complete comittment-phobe and she never races into anything…she’s obviously completely forgotten about Dom.
We also once again found ourselves asking where on earth Johnny and Chloe’s friendship had come from, seriously though? Asking for a friend here, did we miss something?
Chloe received a text telling the girls that the girl with the best ass-ets would win a date with the new guy, which prompted Gabby to give out free twerking classes. The sight of little Camilla twerking is something we just can’t un-see, stop it hun.
Practice time was up and the games began. The first round was called “slut pop” which basically required the girls to slut drop onto balloons and pop them. We feel it’s an event that could be a real contender at the next Olympics. Underdog Camilla won that round, and Tyne injured her ‘cocks bone’….no, we don’t know what that is either. Next up was that well known party game where a boy puts a piece of fruit in his lap and a blindfolded woman has to use just her arse to work out what said piece of fruit is. The girls had to pick a willing boy to participate and Tyne picked a not-so-willing Dom, which caused Jess to throw her a look that we are quite surprised didn’t kill her. Anyway, it turned out that Tyne and her ‘cocks bone’ had quite a knack for identifying fruit using only her bum…does that count as one of your five a day? Who knows. So Tyne found herself winning the date with new boy Mike…Get them questions ready, babe.
The girls all rallied round to help Tyne get ready for her date whilst she gave them a taste of what Mike had to come with her winning chat. “Are you my appendix?”, she asked her very confused housemates, “because I’ve got a feeling in my stomach that I want to take you out”. We cringed so badly we almost did a backflip.
It was nearly time for Tyne’s date but not before she told us how excited she was because she had had no “intional” fireworks with anyone in the house .”INITIONAL”, someone throw hun a dictionary, preferably at her head.
It was date time and off Tyne went to meet mystery Mike…and that’s were we are going to stop on the topic of that date because the slow-mo video montage of them walking to meet each other was the best bit…like there is actually nothing to report….not a single thing. It was quite frankly about as exciting as watching cat p*ss dry.
However, we do have something to report back from the villa. CAMILLA SMOKED, to which we nearly fell off our unicorns. Oh, and Kem and Chris appeared to have both been booted through the same white skinny jean and tight khaki t-shirt shop.
We will be tuning in tonight, mainly to see if Mike actually has ANYTHING to say for himself.
HAVE A STRONG FRIDAY NIGHT BABES!